"Please, Mr. Cruz. I don't have much time. I have other patients to see."
I probed his eyes, this ridiculous man in his impeccably white lab coat down on his knees in front of me, and wondered from where he could muster the gall to be the irritated person in the situation. Quickly, I scanned the room for signs of Joey de Leon.
"Uh yeah, can you tell me again what you want to do?" I asked, buying more time. I was trying to pinpoint exactly where his shoulders and neck met, the optimal place, I thought, to unleash my judo chop.
He slowly rose, exasperation clearly strewn across his face. I noticed how the uneasy tingly feeling on my crotch disappeared as he got up, his head leaving my private’s invisible alarm radius. He stood a full 6 inches taller than me, quite meaty and bulky, like a big hairy beaver. My judo chop would not have stood a chance.
"Okay Mr. Cruz, I understand how you're feeling. It's quite normal to feel uncomfortable in this situation, and I can tell you that you're not the first one to feel this way. But, let me assure you, this is a standard medical examination and one that I will carry out with the utmost professionalism."
"Now, Mr. Cruz, I will explain to you again what will happen. You will lower your jeans to your knees, and then your underwear. I will ask you to move your penis and balls around so I can have a look for any abnormalities. Then, you will turn around and bend over so that I could inspect your buttocks, and then I will ask you to cough. When all that's done, I will smell your dick, then you can finally get dressed."
"Sounds simple enough, doesn't it. After that, we'll get to some blood work. But, yeah that's about it. We'll do as I just described, I'll smell your dick, then we'll do some blood work."
It was quite spectacular seeing him tell me this with a straight face. With not the slightest hesitation, nor the tiniest faltering of voice. Like a big hairy bea… No, wait.
"Can you just repeat that part after I cough out of my asshole and before the blood work?"
"Mr. Cruz, I did not say that you had to cough out of your asshole, I said that I wanted you to cough while I looked around your buttocks."
"Uh, yeah okay, that part. So what will happen again after that part and just before the blood work?"
"I will smell your dick, Mr. Cruz."
Finally, elephant in the room got called out, and it wanted to smell my dick.
"My good sir, hereby consider yourself forewarned that if any such sniffings were to be perpetrated by your person against my slobersickle, that I shall be constrained to impose upon you the crudest of wallopings!" would have been a cool thing to say. Instead, the tiniest, most high-pitched, barely audible whimper was all I could manage.
"fuck that shit man."
"Come again, Mr. Cruz?"
"I said no."
"Mr. Cruz, you do know that I could not sign off on your medical clearance if I don’t complete all my examinations. Now, I know that it may seem a bit, oh shall we say, uncommon, me burying my face in your man parts, then just… really getting in there… just vacuuming the shit out of those bad boys, but… … … “
I was barely listening now, distracted. He had rolled up a 20-peso bill and proceeded to cocaine-snort the dust from his desk, all the while never breaking eye contact with me. Not content, he sat on his desk, and with such tenacity, started bending forward towards his crotch, 20 peso bill still in his nose and all, eyes still fixed on mine.
"... and then we sniff under here, then here, oh don't forget this little corner here, and VOILA! Dick smelled. Medicine done!"
"Is there at least a female doctor here, man? If it really needs to be done I'll be more comfortable with a female doctor."
"Mr. Cruz, I've had it up to here with you", pointing to the bridge of his nose. "There is no more time to lose! It’s been, what, 30 minutes since your cardiac stress test? We need to do this now, or you could just go.”
"If I so much as see your lips part…”
“Don’t worry, Mr. Cruz, I’m a professional.”
“Just get this shit over with.”