Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Housewife

But, of course! He’s my husband, the father of my children. Of course I love him.

Well, every marriage has its own bumps, its own ups and downs. Some rough patches.. Hihi, that’s what he called my pubes once.

But I love him.

We’ve had our differences and arguments like the best of them. Oh, small stuff really. ‘Don’t pick on your locks’, ‘Don’t make eye contact with me’, ‘If you ever try to escape again..’

But I love him.

“Ma’am! Ma’am! Listen to me..”

“I love you too, Victoria. Please, baby, just..”

I love him so much. We fell in love one summer’s day when we were thirteen. Well, I was. He literally swept me off my feet. Carried me a mile on his shoulders. I must have been kicking and screaming with delight. Oh, I can’t remember now!

He took me home and made me his queen. Put me up in his tower. Though, his castle had a different design so the tower was more like a hole in the ground.

He would sing to me every night.

♪♫ It puts the lotion ♪♫
♪♫ Mm-hmm ♪♫
♪♫ On its skin ♪♫

Lalala la la! Hmm hmm hmm mmmm!

He was the most romantic.. How old were you then, honey?

“Forty, baby. Forty. Now please, put the..”

He was the most romantic forty-year old man I ever met.

When we would dine together, which we did every night, he would always leave just the right amount of meat on the bones for me.

When, we made love, he was very gentle with the torture.

Sometimes, he would even.. Oooh I don’t know if I can tell you this hihi.. But sometimes, he’d even get a bit kinky, and make love to me without chains and handcuffs!

“Ma’am please listen to me and put the gun down! Police are on..”

Oh, I love him so.

“Victoria Cruz! This is the police! We are here to rescue you. Come out of the house now! Victoria Cruz! Put the gun down and come out of the house now!”

I cannot even begin to think of how I could repay him.

“Victoria, baby, please I’m so sorry for everything! Please don’t kill me.”

But I hope this could be a start.

“Ma’am! Ma’am!”

Your kids are waiting for you, honey.

“Victoria Cruz! I repeat come out of the..”


Monday, May 23, 2011

The Inmate

Reality only truly set in when the metal bars shut behind me. As I looked around the cramped, clammy cell, at all the people strewn about in all sorts of disarray, crammed into every inch of space, I knew I was in for a long night.

Not long after I settled myself in the only available space in the room – an empty seat dangerously close to the toilet – did the most absurd looking man in the cell come towards me. He had a wife-beater on, the waist part tied into a knot and exposing his stomach, and a green and yellow bandana on his head.

He threw a bar of soap down at my feet.

“Pick it, Mr. OfficeMan.”

Clearly, grammar and name-calling have seen better days in this cell. I easily picked up the soap from where I was seated and gave it back to him.

“No! No! No!” He was irate. “You must to stand up and bend over to pick it, Mr Man! Estupido, eh?! Now we try again, kay? One.. two.. three!”

The soap slid on the smooth cement floor before coming to a rest near my left shoe. For a long time, it was the only thing I could see.

“Are you serious, man?! I’ve been here for ten fucking minutes and here you are already trying to do all sorts of shit to me?” I may have half shouted and half pleaded.

“Is a jail life, Mr. Man. Get use to it!

“Listen, man. I’m only here because I got a bit too rowdy in some bar. They will let me out as soon as my brother posts my bail, okay. So please leave me alone.”

“Pick the soap, Mr. Man.”

“Where did you even get the fucking soap!? There’s no showers here! It’s only detention for chrissakes!”

“I bring my own soap, kay? Now listen you, I been here since last week, kay, so I know what is a jail life. Now, if you don’t want to pick the soap, you will join my gang.”

“See that office man friend of yours there by the corner, ya? He look at me crazy with his thick glasses and don’t want to share his drug when he getting the wheezies in his chest. You go to slit his throat with this sharpen spoon right here, kay.”

“Let me guess, you also brought the spoon, didn’t you?”

“Is a tough life, Mr. Calculator Computer Man! A man need to look out for his own, know what I mean?”

At least he’s getting a bit more creative with the name-calling, I thought.

By this time, I was already looking around at the other people in the cell, trying to see if they were all in on this joke. But between the sleeping ones and the ones who, I could tell, were desperately trying to ignore us, I did not get any help.

”Now take this sharpen spoon right here and slit him already.”

“What if I don’t want to?”

“Then, tomorrow when we out doing the hard labor, I gone jump you.”

“What hard labor?”

“You know, we be working the coal mine and shit. Then after, we gone play a football with them guards over there and we gone win. Then, that’s when a new prisinor be comin and ‘fess bout being the one who actually kill your wife.”

“After that, we escape using this sharpen spoon right here to dig us a hole. Then, we swim to freedom through all them nasty sharks.”

He was gone, drowned in a veritable cyclone of jailhouse movie clich├ęs swirling around his brain. I took it as my chance to get away from him, and moved closer to the door, just as the guard came around.

“Cruz, you’re brother’s here. You can go.”

“Thank god.” I breathed a sigh of relief and hurriedly stepped out the cell. As I was leaving, I briefly glimpsed inside to see what the man was doing. He was now seated on the toilet seat, hunched forward, face burried in his hands.

“Aaahm tired, bohws. Ahh help Percy mouse. He a circus mouse, bohws.”

“Quite a character, eh?” the guard said as we started for the reception. “We’ve been getting less and less returnees since he arrived.”

“Uh huh.” I mumbled under my breath. “You don’t say..”

Letters to Mama

Dear Mama,

Just want to tell you that me, Anna, and the others have finally arrived in the city! We are doing well, mama. Just a bit exhausted from the travel, I guess, but very very very excited, nonetheless.

Oohh! It's quite something, mama! The sights! The sounds! The smells! Oh, the smell, mama.. You remember one time when I had too much potatoes for dinner? If I ate what I pooped back then, and then pooped it back, it would still not be comparable to the smell here!

And the people, mama! How many people there are! And they are all so friendly, mama. Everyone was pointing, laughing, you know, giving us their warmest city greeting. I remember telling Anna that we should try to say hello back to them, but she wouldn't have any of it. (She's a bit sad, you know, with her leaving Farmer John, and all. She said no one could possibly love her the way Farmer John did.)

The travel here was nice enough, mama. Wind blowing in our faces, all the different views. It would have been just perfect save for the way we were all just crammed into the car. I've forgotten how many butts my face ended up in during the travel!

The place we're staying at is also not so bad. When we arrived, the people working at the place came out to greet us and bring us to our rooms. They told us to hurry (maybe they had other guests, I think), and were even hitting some of us with sticks (oh don't ask me, I guess there's still a lot to learn about these city folk!).

Anyway, we're off to sleep now! They've turned off the lights, already. I'll write you tomorrow.



Dear Mama,

Second day in the city!

The people working at the place came early in the morning and took Anna and some of the guys out. I think they're showing them the city. The rest of us, they just left here.

Had a good meal today. The people working at the place even brought our food to our room!

I never noticed it was so loud here! Once in a while, you can hear someone screaming. I guess the city has that kind of effect - it makes you so excited that you could just SCREEEAAAAM! as if your life depended on it.

Anyway, I'm feeling so sleepy now. Kind of a boring day actually. I wonder what time Anna and the other guys are coming back.

Write you tomorrow!



Dear Mama,

Anna and the others have not yet returned! And what's more, the people working at the place came again this morning to take some of the other guys out! You should have heard me just screaming my lungs out so I could get chosen as well. I think one of the people working at the place found my screaming too adorable because he was hitting me quite hard with the stick!

Oooh, I'm just getting so jealous now thinking about all the fun the others are having outside. Anyway, there's just 5 of us here now, so I'm quite certain I'll get chosen tomorrow!

They brought our food to our room again today. I forgot to mention it yesterday but the food here is quite different from what we were used to having in the farm. I cannot really describe it! Strangely enough, eating the food here makes me think about the day I had a fight with Manny when we were little.. Remember that, mama? Remember when I bit his ear off? Oooh, his mother got so mad at me.. hee hee

The screaming here is getting a bit to my nerves, now. I can imagine how others can get so excited, but it's just getting so tiring.

Anyway, I think I'll sleep early tonight. Got a big day tomorrow!

Write you tomorrow!



Dear Mama,

Cannot really write so much now! I've been chosen! The people at the place came and stamped me something red. Don't know really what it means. I think it's a day pass to the city. Anyway, I'll write you back later! We're off to the city! I heard one of the people working at the place saying we're going to some laughter house first. Hee hee wonder how funny it is!

Love you,

The Medical Exam

"Please, Mr. Cruz. I don't have much time. I have other patients to see."

I probed his eyes, this ridiculous man in his impeccably white lab coat down on his knees in front of me, and wondered from where he could muster the gall to be the irritated person in the situation. Quickly, I scanned the room for signs of Joey de Leon.

"Mr. Cruz!"

"Uh yeah, can you tell me again what you want to do?" I asked, buying more time. I was trying to pinpoint exactly where his shoulders and neck met, the optimal place, I thought, to unleash my judo chop.

He slowly rose, exasperation clearly strewn across his face. I noticed how the uneasy tingly feeling on my crotch disappeared as he got up, his head leaving my private’s invisible alarm radius. He stood a full 6 inches taller than me, quite meaty and bulky, like a big hairy beaver. My judo chop would not have stood a chance.

"Okay Mr. Cruz, I understand how you're feeling. It's quite normal to feel uncomfortable in this situation, and I can tell you that you're not the first one to feel this way. But, let me assure you, this is a standard medical examination and one that I will carry out with the utmost professionalism."

"Now, Mr. Cruz, I will explain to you again what will happen. You will lower your jeans to your knees, and then your underwear. I will ask you to move your penis and balls around so I can have a look for any abnormalities. Then, you will turn around and bend over so that I could inspect your buttocks, and then I will ask you to cough. When all that's done, I will smell your dick, then you can finally get dressed."

"Sounds simple enough, doesn't it. After that, we'll get to some blood work. But, yeah that's about it. We'll do as I just described, I'll smell your dick, then we'll do some blood work."

It was quite spectacular seeing him tell me this with a straight face. With not the slightest hesitation, nor the tiniest faltering of voice. Like a big hairy bea… No, wait.

"Can you just repeat that part after I cough out of my asshole and before the blood work?"

"Mr. Cruz, I did not say that you had to cough out of your asshole, I said that I wanted you to cough while I looked around your buttocks."

"Uh, yeah okay, that part. So what will happen again after that part and just before the blood work?"

"I will smell your dick, Mr. Cruz."

Finally, elephant in the room got called out, and it wanted to smell my dick.

"My good sir, hereby consider yourself forewarned that if any such sniffings were to be perpetrated by your person against my slobersickle, that I shall be constrained to impose upon you the crudest of wallopings!" would have been a cool thing to say. Instead, the tiniest, most high-pitched, barely audible whimper was all I could manage.

"fuck that shit man."

"Come again, Mr. Cruz?"

"I said no."

"Mr. Cruz, you do know that I could not sign off on your medical clearance if I don’t complete all my examinations. Now, I know that it may seem a bit, oh shall we say, uncommon, me burying my face in your man parts, then just… really getting in there… just vacuuming the shit out of those bad boys, but… … … “

I was barely listening now, distracted. He had rolled up a 20-peso bill and proceeded to cocaine-snort the dust from his desk, all the while never breaking eye contact with me. Not content, he sat on his desk, and with such tenacity, started bending forward towards his crotch, 20 peso bill still in his nose and all, eyes still fixed on mine.

"... and then we sniff under here, then here, oh don't forget this little corner here, and VOILA! Dick smelled. Medicine done!"

"Is there at least a female doctor here, man? If it really needs to be done I'll be more comfortable with a female doctor."

"Mr. Cruz, I've had it up to here with you", pointing to the bridge of his nose. "There is no more time to lose! It’s been, what, 30 minutes since your cardiac stress test? We need to do this now, or you could just go.”

"If I so much as see your lips part…”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Cruz, I’m a professional.”

“Just get this shit over with.”